Horrible Pirate Story

One time I was down by the docks and I saw this old sailor that I swear looked just like a pirate; peg-leg, eye-patch, and even a hook for a hand.
But I guess I was staring at him because he comes stumping over and says...
Arr, I saw yez lookin at me! Bet yer wond'rin hows I got this peg-leg? Well... it was HORRIBLE!
Me ship was a cannonading another ship, when they lets go with a broadside themselves. Whoooom, off goes me leg. Arr!
Then he turned to walk away when suddenly he turns back and says...

Arr, I saw yez still lookin at me! Bet yer wond'rin hows I got this hook fer a hand? Well... it was HORRIBLE!
Me ship was boarded by Malay pirates and we all draws swords and thrusts and parrys and parrys and thrusts! But I thrusted when I should'a parried. Whomp, off goes me hand! Arr!
Then he turned to walk away when suddenly he turns back and says...
Arr, I saw yez STILL lookin at me! Bet yer wond'rin hows I got this eyepatch? Well... it was HORRIBLE! One day I gots me an itch
and 
(hook your finger up to your eye as you yell )
ARRR! I'd forgots I'd lost me hand!
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